Day 2: The tiniest can of all

Now I know for a fact that Jamie's going to hate me after this. I've opened two of the cans he sent me and they've both contained something, if not delicious, at least palatable. I certainly didn't extend that courtesy to him. I'm actually hoping he just threw a couple real mild ones in there to lull me into a false sense of security (smugness) and tomorrow I'll open a can of jellied farts or something.

I chose the smallest can today. We had chili for supper and it looked like a can of tomato paste. "Cool," I said. "We can just mix this tomato paste in this chili and it'll be like we're eating chili."

I called it "Lil Sidewaiz F"

We had some trouble opening the can due to its size...no, that's not true, we had trouble opening the can because our can opener is a huge, child-safe, ergonomic piece of crap. I don't care if my can opener leaves sharp edges, just open my can without making it look like I beat it with a rock. If I cut myself on a sharp can edge, that's my fault and a lesson in consequence that hopefully betters me in the long run. Like when people hit their kids.

Imagine the sound of a car being crushed.

Oh, and it mangled the can so hard white started dripping from it. Well, that's Not Tomato Paste.

Shit, get it over the sink *scree scree scree*

It's white, waxy and leaves a film on my skin...seems like it might be cream of coconut, but it doesn't have a strong coconut smell or flavor. Maybe just a hint of it, but I'm going to treat it like it is anyway.

It's like the can is all :D about this...

So I have this bowl of white liquid what might be coconut...I thought about drizzling it on my cornbread or mixing some into my chili, but those were both stupid fucking ideas, but then Mike says "Pina Coladas?". Way better idea. Pina somethings anyway. With Sprite (the worst of all soda flavors).

Pineapple cups + fucking Sprite + white "maybe coconut milk"= drink.

Mixed them up. The bubbles from the sprite come out all foggy. Like witches brew. That's promising. Maybe this is Pure Wytch's Milke and I just made a fucking cocktail out of it. We can't wait to get it into our mouths.

Looks scummy, like a townie dirtbag of a drink

Mike's shirt tried to fite it...

it weakly hissed back

The first drink was a little thick and coated my teeth, but tasted pretty decent really, for something that might have come from a coconut (alternately, from a Wytch's Teate)

the white stuff is congealed flavor...I'm not even kidding, the consistency of butter and I had to kind of "pudding chew" it

Oh, right...the pineapple I put in there...that means...

...that there's a glob of pineapple chunks loosely glued together at the bottom of this glass with some kind of coconut (Wytch's) butter (Butere) that forms when you mix cream of coconut(Wytch) with Sprite (the worst soda ever).

This fucker hit me in the face.

I guess I'm not great at physics...why would I assume that pieces of pineapple in the bottom of a glass would just slowly slime into my mouth and not rocket into my nose and glasses?

Overall, pretty tame so far, Jamz. I thought you were a man, not a mouse.