Day 4: Doubling Down...

I explained in my last update that I had to eat a mystery breakfast this morning instead of ruining a family dinner last night, which leaves me in an interesting position as far as consuming two cans of crap in one day. This morning, Jamz and Meg got us.

It was pancake day in this house today, complete with fresh fruit, bacon and sausage and your choice of delicious pancake mix-ins cooked to order. Have you ever had a chocolate-cherry pancake? You've not lived then. All of that was available to us, but we also got to crack open a mystery can.

I choose "square can with a key" and chose poorly

First off, this thing came with a separate key mechanism that I have to use to even get at the Glorious Delights inside. Oh that's right...the people who make whatever's in this can FUCKING LOCK IT AWAY. You have to insert this key into a little slot and twist, basically unraveling a razor sharp coil of metal while simultaneously revealing a foreboding fleshy pink line of horror.

How cute...wait, what's...Oh God.

O YAY IT'S MEAT!

Meat that blossoms forth from the can when the lid's removed.

Tools of the trade: Hunk of meat. Dangerous WWII key-can. Key.

I can smell this picture.

If that white stuff is supposed to lubricate that meat so it doesn't stick to the can, it didn't work. However, if that white stuff is supposed to activate in my intestines and lubricate there, it sooo fucking worked.

So Jamz and Meg apparently condone animal abuse on this blog, so I figured "what the hell...it looked fun, let's also turn our dog into a vomiting shit-fountain with this meat! :D" I also love free .gif-makers.

Vomiting Shit-Fountain.

So yeah, pancake day. Pretty much one of the most awesome breakfasts ever and I have to crap it up with a can of chopped up 'meat'. Instead of bacon, I decided to cut this into slices and fry it, thinking it might work similar to SPAM...get brown, be edible. This was not like SPAM. The warmer it got, the less integrity the product actually had and the more translucent pink it became. It didn't smell or taste horrible at this point...very salty, but a bit like brisket.

I don't do shit half-assed and since it was pancake day, I was making a damned pancake (or two). The first one was M&M, because that's very delicious and awesome, the second? O YAH IT'S MEAT!

*SPRINKLES*

Part of a complete Shitfast!

Mike just had good pancakes, but he was a trooper and ate his side-meat like a champion-hero. A sad champion-hero.

I've never seen a sadder or more frightened face :(

Except maybe this one, when she thought we were going to feed her more of it...

o fuk, there's more!?

Biting into it released a gush of fluid, yet it remained grainy and felt like it squeaked in your teeth. The end result...I'm not sure we managed to down the required 50% or not. It looked like we might have, but I'm also pretty sure that crap was sentient and expanding with every minute. I did eat the pan(meat)cake with sprinkles. We ate around 9:30 am, and I swear I can still feel it down there, waiting. When I think about it, I get a little nauseous and I had a salad for lunch because I think I'm scared of eating now.