I chose the smallest can today. We had chili for supper and it looked like a can of tomato paste. "Cool," I said. "We can just mix this tomato paste in this chili and it'll be like we're eating chili."
We had some trouble opening the can due to its size...no, that's not true, we had trouble opening the can because our can opener is a huge, child-safe, ergonomic piece of crap. I don't care if my can opener leaves sharp edges, just open my can without making it look like I beat it with a rock. If I cut myself on a sharp can edge, that's my fault and a lesson in consequence that hopefully betters me in the long run. Like when people hit their kids.
Oh, and it mangled the can so hard white started dripping from it. Well, that's Not Tomato Paste.
It's white, waxy and leaves a film on my skin...seems like it might be cream of coconut, but it doesn't have a strong coconut smell or flavor. Maybe just a hint of it, but I'm going to treat it like it is anyway.
So I have this bowl of white liquid what might be coconut...I thought about drizzling it on my cornbread or mixing some into my chili, but those were both stupid fucking ideas, but then Mike says "Pina Coladas?". Way better idea. Pina somethings anyway. With Sprite (the worst of all soda flavors).
Mixed them up. The bubbles from the sprite come out all foggy. Like witches brew. That's promising. Maybe this is Pure Wytch's Milke and I just made a fucking cocktail out of it. We can't wait to get it into our mouths.
Mike's shirt tried to fite it...
The first drink was a little thick and coated my teeth, but tasted pretty decent really, for something that might have come from a coconut (alternately, from a Wytch's Teate)
...that there's a glob of pineapple chunks loosely glued together at the bottom of this glass with some kind of coconut (Wytch's) butter (Butere) that forms when you mix cream of coconut(Wytch) with Sprite (the worst soda ever).
I guess I'm not great at physics...why would I assume that pieces of pineapple in the bottom of a glass would just slowly slime into my mouth and not rocket into my nose and glasses?
Overall, pretty tame so far, Jamz. I thought you were a man, not a mouse.