Thursday, July 22, 2010

Day 3: The Eye of the Storm

Two days down. Two explosions. Wait, did I say two? See, actually it's three. The contents of the second half of day two's can got put down the disposal, and managed to clog the drain. This caused the sink itself to explode from both sides with some kind of noxious browngrey slime. So there's that.

Next, the camera gave up hope. It's been used to photograph some truly horrible things in it's time, but The Can Game was too much for it. It finished eating the last set of batteries in the house and refused to take any of the spares I could scrounge up out of other lektriks. Way to go, Can Game. You managed to not only destroy my ability to eat things without gagging, you've also robbed my camera of the will to live.

Curse you Camera. You have chosen the easy way out.

What with all the 'excitement', it was quite late when we started cooking. So something tame was in order. Something simple. We chose the smallest can we had:

A can with a message of peace and harmony.

That message? All lies.


That appears to be some kind of veg. Pickled, of course. There were at least 3 distinct components in the can. Green ovoids, tan lumps, and some kind of translucent disks. I'm going to call them Pukeumbers, Hatepears, and Translucent Disks. Time for the initial taste test!

Oh god, not again.

Be at ease, dog. Your services will not be required tonight. I have a better subject.

Happy Anniversay babe. Any regrets?

I choose to take that as a positive sign.

In the interest of fairness, I tried one of the Beige Bananaohgodnoes and made Meg eat one of the Putrescent Possibly Pickles. To our surprise, after the initial gagging, they pretty much tasted like they smelled. Slightly sweet, slightly pickled, and only slightly unpleasant. Given our track record thus far, I'm going to consider that one a win.

The face of victory.

So, what does one do when presented with some Only Mildly Objectionable Vegefruit?

Choosy moms choose Jif.

We decided on nutbutter sandwiches. As an aside, it has been brought to my attention that we have now eaten some variation on the sandwich 3 days in a row. I promise that whatever malignant surprise tomorrow's can has in store for us will not be eaten betwixt two pieces of bread.

Ok, whip out the last of our bread, apply peanut butter vigourously, and liberally add diced dickfruit.

Trust me, I know how good this looks. If you need the recipe, just ask in the comments.

Meg felt that the finished product looked entirely too edible, and attempted to create some parity between the innocuous outside and the horrors within:

The sandwich? She cries because she is so sad.

I admit, before I ate mine, I had to shake off a little nervousness. After all, what if it ruined me on peanut butter forever? Was I really going to take that chance? Sure, the lump I ate wasn't so bad, but what about the clear things? Meg didn't mind the green bit, but have you seen some of the things she eats? Peanut butter sandwiches are so comforting, could I really dare to tarnish that feeling?

Dear readers, the can game is not for the faint of heart (or stomach, or nose, or gagreflex). We're not just eating things and having a laugh...there are real risks involved. Still, it was too late for fear. We had entered into the Can Game in good faith, and I'd be damned if I was going to back out now for fear of a little funk. Also: this one didn't explode at all. You don't have to Ask the Scientists to know that that is some kind of good omen. We took the plunge.

Tomorrow on Catastropies: Watch Jamie and Megan cram more crap into their mouths.

I can promise you that these will be the blandest looks you will ever find during the CanGame.

The verdict? It's actually quite lovely. You have a basic peanut butter sandwich, but with a hint of crunchy sweetness. Like a cross between chunky nutbutter and some kind of crystallized jelly. For all I know, it was Pickled Jelly Stems or something. I'm not saying that I'm going to go on down to the Asian Mystery Market and get a pallet of pickled peace pigeon cans or anything, but it was definately the best eating thus far into the proceedings.

Of course, that means that tomorrow's cans will have some kind of Exploding Eyestalks in them.

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