Saturday, July 24, 2010

Day 5: Doubling down for real...Part 1

I'm a dirty liar. We didn't eat two mystery cans to catch up yesterday. However, we did make it up today. I'm also pretty sure it's killing us.

The day started pretty well, really. We've been looking for a Dogloo for our tortoise for a few weeks and finally managed to find one on Craigslist for an insane $25. Of course, people on Craigslist are always fucking insane (sometimes, also painfully stupid) and we had to pick it up before 10 a.m. On a Saturday. Whatever, Crazyface, you're selling us something we need for like a quarter of what you paid for it.

What's all that have to do with mystery can? Well, it meant when Mike got home, we ate a late breakfast and since I'm a cheating sneakthief what shirks her can-consuming responsibilities at every turn, I had to make up some lost ground.

What luck! There are fresh bagels in the kitchen and that seems pretty perfect considering bagels are amazing vessels to cart cream cheese into my face.

I chose "everything" flavor, but I'm pretty sure I didn't taste any snout.

Mike chose yumberry.

Those look decent, right? I didn't want to mess it up too bad, so I chose the next smallest can in the mystery can box. It looked like a legit can of food, like it might have come from a real factory that produces something made from the good parts of plants and animals (not stems, teeth and eyelashes).

Thanks for blacking out the text saying "DO NOT EAT", Jerkasses.

See, I thought I might get away with a soup...not something real tame, of course, but perhaps a specialty soup made for people who developed their tastes during the Great Depression when people would boil down shoes and call it supper.

Great. Onion Gravy.

Yeah, fucking brown onion gravy. It smells horrible. Just truly horrible. Unluckily for me, I chose to eat a savory bagel for my breakfast, which pretty much means that I get to try and eat this crap. After all, it's be a real shame to ruin a yumberry bagel with something that smells, looks and tastes like liquid trash.

Oh Boy! There's my Breakfast!!

Yum Yum...Here we go...

... and I claim complete failure on this one. I could not eat half a can of Onion Gravy. For the record, I like gravy. Even with a bagel that would lend itself well to this sort of thing, I couldn't do it. After the third bite, I was gagging at the thought of taking another. The flavor crept into my sinus passages and even though it's nearly 12 hours after the fact, I CAN STILL SMELL AND TASTE IT. I've brushed my teeth, chewed gum, eaten mints, consumed another (mystery can) meal, and nothing I've done has lessened its presence at all. Give me 100 cans of whatever the hell meat that was I ate yesterday morning. I do not want more Onion Gravy.

No comments:

Post a Comment