Sunday, July 25, 2010

Day 5: Doubling down for real...Part 2

After my bout with the gravy this morning, I wasn't completely thrilled with eating another can of something for supper this evening. It was leftover night since the Breinings have had visitors this week and there's been quite a bit of cooking going on. Grilled chicken, teriyaki beef, pizza, Mexican ten-layer dip...just a real fancy international spread. Oh, and a dented to fuck can of "food".

What the hell did you do to it, Jamie?

Seriously...all the cans I sent were untampered with when I put them in that box. Did you guys just find this one out behind the Sav-A-Lot? Was it something they were trying to throw away, but you two were out there pushing around a jankety, rusted out old shopping cart (wheel missing) full of discarded food until the Night Manager shined a flashlight on you and you both run away, but Meg can't push the cart straight because of the wheel, so she crashes it and you only manage to grab this one can? I don't even feel safe opening this thing after all that. It was also rusted in one spot.

Now, I admit that I had it easy tonight and kind of cheated after I opened the can. Which looked something like this:

Is that paper in there? Yes. Rusty can? yes.

I've had canned tamales before. They're not completely horrible taste-wise, but there is one incredibly dangerous thing about a canned tamale which, like some crafty-but-lazy prey animal, doesn't reveal itself until it's too late.

Not terrible...or is it?

Look at the right side of that picture. That translucent orange liquid? It's grease. About 75% of the orange "sauce" in that pictures is just waiting to slide down into some unsuspecting schmuck's guts and wreak havoc in a most horrible fashion. Otherwise, this isn't too bad a meal to have to deal with. The worst part is actually the peanut gallery of family members who crowd around every night while I open the can and proceed to tell me how disgusting I am for five minutes. I KNOW, ALRIGHT GUYS!? STOP JUDGING ME! FUH!

The trap-door spider of meals

They're pretty bland. Even with Cholula (the best hot sauce, shut up) and sour cream, they're still bland. Maybe the included sauce makes them "flavorful"? I'll never be able to tell you, because I won't eat that part. Since we cheated a little and pretty much just made this a meal, it wasn't hard to eat the required 50% and in fact, between the two of us, we ate all but one tamale. However, had I not known about the sauce thing and just drank that down all unsuspecting-like, it probably would have killed us. Creativity: 0. Lethality: 10. I'm onto you guys and this thing isn't over yet.

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